Monday, April 30, 2012

A Gap Too Wide

 Mile 46.75

Are walls easier to build up or easier to tear down?

Do we Christians too often do the things we do out of a sense of duty and obligation rather than acting out of a genuine desire to follow the teachings of Jesus?

Only God can know the inner depths of a person’s heart and see true motives.

At the workplace I have been unable to resolve some of my personal conflicts with people in the office, with one individual in particular, and therefore I deeply and searchingly question whether or not I should be commissioned and sent out to speak to complete strangers about God and Jesus. I feel like a hypocrite because I know in my heart that I am a hypocrite. My written words on this page admit my short-coming, but in the work place, the inconsistent actions in my life that are conflicting with my professed beliefs are shouting out the word hypocrite much louder and far clearer than this page.

In the office I have reached an impossible to solve situation, an impasse that can only be solved by God’s intervention. At work there is one individual I cannot speak to. I truly do not know what circumstances led to this present situation but the problem has continued for too long now, perhaps several years, so that any solution may truly be impossible. Day after day we go about the office, do our work and all the while we pretend the other is not there, as if the other does not even exist. I have become very adept at playing this game, which is much to my shame. I recognize that being a failure as a person is not a game, the failure is a tragedy. I confess that knowingly being a failure as a Christian is far worse because this failure is a grievous transgression.

During the last three months I have prayed about this situation at work and nothing has changed. I have asked God to change me but I have not changed. I have pleaded with God to change my heart but my actions have not changed. Nothing has changed within me and nothing has changed at work.

Today, who or what has caused this wall of dislike is irrelevant because the problem now, and it is my problem, is that I am unable to swallow my pride, humble myself and make any attempt to cross or dismantle the barriers. Maybe a resolution will never be achieved and I shall be left with the persistent guilt of failure, the failure to do what is right.

Sunday, February 18, 2001
The Oddblock Station Agent

Teach Us to Number Our Days

Mile Board 52.60

Looking at old black and white photos from the past awakens and stirs up long buried memories. I do not always wish to visit and reopen these cobwebbed corners in my history of days lived, but mixed emotions drag me there nonetheless. 

Decades have passed since scenes of events from long ago were recorded. Anyway, when those memories of years ago surface, I am compelled to wade through a mire of faded recollections of places I can never return to, people I shall never see again, and events that I am unable to live through once more. 

As I yearn for some of those precious moments that are lost in the years gone, I try to sort out what I truly miss most. In the end I believe I miss the whole because the individual parts do not really stand alone. 

The passing of time is relentless and change never stops. No route back exists and second chances are utterly impossible. Today is all that I have left because tomorrow is only an assumption

The Bible reminds me, “The years of our life are threescore and ten, or even by reason of strength, fourscore; yet their span is but toil and trouble; they are soon gone and we fly away. Who considers the power of thy anger, and thy wrath according to the fear of thee? So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom.” (Psalm 90:10-12) 

Lord, teach me to number my days that I too may get a heart of wisdom.

The Oddblock Station Agent
July 28, 2010