A Need for Spiritual Direction

But it sure felt like it at the time

In a few days I expect to be marking my 38th birthday, however, I still have no clearer idea today what my purpose in life is than I had twenty years ago when I first began to think about these things. Some people I know have always seemed to know exactly what they want out of life and then they have set out to do it. To this day I have no idea about what I should strive to accomplish with my life. My Lord, I wish I could define just one meaningful goal. 

Rarely am I certain where I stand and rarely do I know in which direction I am going. Upon pausing, I can only look back and see where I have come from. Too often I wish I had not left there. Life is contstanly changing. Looking back and seeing what has been lost over the years makes me want to weep.  My sorrow is having known those people, places and events I can never return to. 

My deepest desire is that I could learn to live with today instead of trying to recapture what was yesterday. It gnaws at me that tomorrow I may weep for the loss of today.

Too often I see those things which my neighbours possess: a large house, a new car, a beautiful cottage in the countryside, a desirable education, working in their dream careers, and may more. The Lord God has commanded that I shall not covet. In spite of knowing this, it is so very difficult to keep this in mind while constantly being confronted and surrounded by material things which I do not have yet wish I did.  

My longing is that I can maintain a clarity of mind and vision to yearn and strive for the gifts of God which money cannot possibly ever purchase.

I plead to the God of Israel to grant me the clarity of vision to desire:

a happy marriage and to maintain a lifelong loving relationship with my wonderful wife. I do not covet my neighbour’s family broken by divorce.

spiritual peace in a difficult world. I do not covet my neighbour’s ‘eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow we die’ approach to life.

the wisdom to discern good from evil and the strength to flee from that which is evil. I do not covet my neighbour’s inability or lack of desire to know good from evil.

freedom from worries about money. I do not covet my neighbour’s problems with personal finances and large debts.

God’s deliverance, for me and my entire family, from evil.

God’s grace to give His salvation to my children and to give them the clarity of vision to strive and yearn for spiritual gifts which can only be given by God.

the ability to feel compassion toward others and to act upon it. I despise my hardness of heart.

humility; to always keep in mind that I am my neighbour’s neighbor and I am no less a sinner before God

Where am I heading? What is the route? 

What am I hoping to accomplish in life?

I really have no idea... but I know of some places where I do not wish to tread or pass through.

Written May 03, 1992

The Oddblock Station Agent